Sunday Morning Day 2, June 1, 2008

From: Gary WestTo: Pastor Joey Turman and Pastor Jerry LawsonSent: Sun Jun 01 06:48:15 2008Guys,You know I love you both. Today is the beginning of a quest for the "why". I have not experienced anything remotely close to this in my life. It is as if God has turned his back on me and said "shift Gary" to the evil one. I can not get God/ Jesus/ Spirit to speak to me. My sons are gone, my name is cut off, my plans are dead. I do have some left. If more required? I truly believe that I have tried to serve the Lord and I taught that to these boys. I cannot continue without spiritual assurance that what I know in my heart is true. That today my sons rest in the arms of God. Many words and comments have been spoken with kind "human" assurance but I need more. I know what I think. I know what the evidence indicated. I know that for the first time in my parenting life (to my knowledge) I had a great feeling, an enthusiasm for the spiritual future of my children. I thought that I knew the attributes and dislikes of God. I thought that I was steering away from the detestable things that he would react to. Now I am in a great black wave that is sweeping my whole life away. Leaving the ruins for all to see. What if all I have believed is but a dream. What if all I have confessed and followed requires the remainder I have left. I was a sinner destined for a devils hell. He gave me a new life. A promise of love, a promise of eternity. That is my anchor. HIS Love and His eternity. Now I morn, like a man without hope. My whole thought pattern of God is twisted and now he doesn't look like love, he doesn’t feel like love. Is the eternal promise to be as twisted as the Love promise? I know he can snuff me out like stepping on a match. Yet does he love me enough to yield and speak to me directly. I don't know if my strength is enough. I don't know if my faith is enough. I don't know if any mortal’s words are enough. I am caught. I am in panic. I have people watching me. I have troops that follow me. What do I say, what does God say. How do I answer the look in a non believer when I see that same look in the mirror? The look of "What did you do to deserve this?" Or the look of "I thought you were a Christian?" The unseen thoughts and the unspoken words. I loved these sons and I thought that God was blessing me with a package to continue after me. To leave a Legacy. Now I am cut off-blind sided by a roadside bomb set by my creator. I am in the ditch and desolate. Money and status has never been my drive. Only to look back in later years having taught my children to serve God, depend on him. Find the favor and reside there. To be accountable and thankful. I am tormented by the dark side every moment."Where is your God now?""You did something to deserve this didn't you?" I have begged God to speak. Must I die to get his attention. Must my influence stop in the earth? Have I been such a miserable investment for God that now he kicks me to the side like an old cup. Never to use again. Please do not respond to this note-just pray.I have determined to find his favor or else. If I knew that heaven was a lie I would end all now and leave the remaining morning for others. But I must believe it is true. I must know that my boys are there. That is my quest. If I have lived a lie, if I have confessed a lie, if I have lived a life to deserve this...then I pray that the God that took my boys would join me to them.I love you both,Gary