July 12, 2008

From: Gary West
Sent: Saturday, July 12, 2008 5:41 AM
Subject: Loneliness

I have always said that there is a hollow spot in the soul and mind of
man.
A hollow spot that only God can fill. A peculiar shaped emptiness
that is so shaped that the space is dynamic, moving, changing and yet
always the same.
It is designed for the unchanging but very alive presence of the
creator.
The spirit that inhabits the eternal future of us all.
The fluid motion of Gods Spirit is reflected in the heart of every
man. He is constantly working to bring us back to Himself. He is talking
to us, he is wooing us.
He is the perfect fit for the void, the only fit.
Shove as we might the attributes and desires of this life, nothing
comes close to the perfect alignment, the perfect meshing of our void
and his spirit.
I am extremely lonely right now. I miss my boy. I can't imagine a
deeper void, a deeper cut, a deeper emptiness.
But...I have the void filler, the one true, living, breathing, all
powerful, majestic, beautiful, and loving God inside me.
I love Him so.
When Benita lost her lung in 92 they said that the other lung would
increase and that the body would adapt and fill in the space where the
lung was taken.
She is fine and the normal person on the street would never know
she was operating on one lung. The body was designed to work with just
one. The other was a spare. She survived because the creator designed
her body to make it with half a pair.
My Son and I were a pair for so many years. I could almost read his
mind, and he mine.
Now I walk without him, I breathe without him, I dream without him,
I plan without him, I miss him.
It is like losing part of yourself. A separate but connected part
of your being. A closeness that was there is no longer. A voice, ears, a
mind, a laugh, a twinkle in the eye. He was me and so much better. I
feel like I have awakened and they amputated a part of me.
I say " don't you know that I would rather have not made it?"
It is so strange, like my life is new. Like it has lost the map
home. When I try to coordinate my thoughts they keep getting disrupted
by the missing parts.
And then I pray, and then I relax in the grip of His Spirit. Then
He becomes that missing part. At least for a while He pushes out the
loneliness and helps me overcome the missing half.
I walk away from the empty chamber in my heart where all of Allen's
memories reside. I think of Him in heaven, on the great adventure.
And then I allow God His spot, the one that is designed only for
Him. When He is in that spot the whole place is full. No voids, no
emptiness. No busted memories, no failed plans. He takes the whole and
sometimes small life that we give Him.
And then like the loaves and fishes He begins to multiply.
Every time he tears off a piece another appears. And he keeps providing
till the appetite is filled and the surplus is realized.
I walk into my mind and heart late at night and all I see is tons
of memories, live footage of Allen when he was a baby, a toddler, a
small boy, an adolescent, a teenager, a college student, a man, a
husband. A son that his dad loved completely.
It is a chamber in me that is brimming over with thousands if not
millions of still shots and action photos. It is the place of morning
and yet I can cope. only because the adjoining room, the next chamber over
is Gods.
His chamber is a connecting room to all the others It is large, it
is dominant..
So when I have Him in His place. When I allow and prepare His
dwelling place. He can open the doors to the adjoining chambers in my
thoughts, and heart. He can flow and fill. He is the one that we're
designed to live with, and not without.
I am thankful that he is in me. He is the difference maker. He
knows what I need before I ask....
Gaw