July 20, 2008

From: Gary West
Sent: Sunday, July 20, 2008 6:20 PM
Subject: Doubting West

I am secure, safe, happy, and satisfied.

I stand in time and watch out a portal at the events that have happened.

The fun, the sunny times, the holidays, the smiles.

The transformation of my life.

The life before,then the day of salvation.

The years of work, the feeling of accomplishment.

The finding of a wife, the cancer, the recovery.

The birth of children, the renewal of life.

The growth of maturity, the finding of God.

The courtships, the engagements.

The planning, the laughter.

The days of celebration, the nights of joy.

The friends, the family.

The weddings, the consummations of love.

The move toward God deepens, the move toward each other strengthens.

I feel so complete, so full.

I relish the days, I anticipate the nights.

Life is like a garden, buds everywhere.

Waiting, needing just a bit of time and then the most magnificent bloom.

Then, the unthinkable, the garden is shredded.

The blooms are discarded. Plans and dreams uprooted.

Then.....The portal, it is closed. I see darkness where once vivid
colors with the translucence of life moved on the screen of time.

I am shocked, dismayed, deboned, crushed and dismembered.

I stand in the corridor, I cry, I weep.

Then He is near...so near. He inhabits me. He assures me.

I feel Him wash through me, renewing me. Flushing me with His love.

I resist, I protest, surely this cannot be.

I love Him and He has forsaken me. I don't want His comfort. I want to
step back from Him and be alone.

He pursues me, He surrounds me. With His spirit he shows me that He is
God.

When he senses my doubt, He says "son, you are mine".

I say, "yes Lord I am yours. What happens now?". Where are the pictures
of my future?".

"The screen is dark, the players are gone. They are not alive anymore. I
am left a shell of what I once was. My life is as you make it".

He says "Gary, do you believe" I say "Yes"

"Do you really believe"

I say "yes but......"

He says "reach here", he lifts his arm

He shows me His side.

The gash is wide, the gash is deep.

He places my hand into the ragged cut.

He says "push your hand In".

I cannot.

He says, "reach".

I cannot

He gently pushes my hand in, I feel the vibration of the creators life
in my fingers and it pulses through my whole being.

I protest

He pushes me further still.

Then I sense and feel his heart as it expands and contracts.

He looks me in the eye, I cannot look back. I turn away.

I weep, I am so useless.

He says their hearts beats as mine. They are alive. The promise is true.

I sob, He comforts.

I rise and go on.

Gary