June 13, 2008

From: Gary West
Sent: Friday, June 13, 2008 12:22 PM
ToSubject: 2 weeks out

Lord,
I love you and I submit to you.
The tormentor confuses me every morn.
I have no one to coach, no one to take my spot. I have the heart to
educate, to share, to instruct.
Was my instruction so worthless, so thin, so shallow, that I am cut
off.
I see no purpose, my understanding is mute, my discernment is
muddled.
My work is without rhyme or reason. The excitement and thrill are
like a long lost memory. The way forward is smooth but without taste. I
am rudderless. I can think but I cannot focus.
A day is indeed like a thousand years, I need direction, I need
your purpose for me revealed. I feel common sense but I am not able to
get it to take root.
I love you and my anguish for the life I had, the plans I had
submerges me.
I see all the might haves and wants like they were reality.
I am at the point of misery that threatens the fabric of my
existence.
I have kicked off many obstacles along life’s path but now I
encounter a solid wall. Tall and black, wet with tears, jagged with
pain, it towers above me and expands in all directions. I look for a
path up, a trail over. It seems impossible to scale.

It sucks my breath away. I lie at the base and cry.
Where are you O God. Why have your put me to this test. Why have you
snatched my heart and lungs from me. Why must I scale this.
There is no reply. I feel the Spirit, but no reply.
I advise others with words that I need to believe myself. With
confidence I look at the wall. I know that it will cut me, it will
shred me, but I must go up, I must go over.
That is my test, will I move forward. Will I shrink back. Will the scars
remove from me the pain of such great loss.
Was I such a poor parent?, parent-in-law? that I am cut down.
Removed from my spot. My words were consistent, I never discounted your
power, your authority.
I always spoke with reference and support of your Kingdom.
And yet I am here. Is my calling over. Will you finish me? We I be cut
out of the earth?
I wanted to witness your return.
Is it so near that death is of no meaning. A twinkle of the eye and we
are united.
So let it be.

G