June 19, 2008

From: Gary West
Sent: Thursday, June 19, 2008 5:31 AM
Subject: June 17

I don't understand.
I was climbing up the cliffs that surround this lagoon of depression.
I could operate at least on a partial basis normally.
I now find myself thrown back into the water of my misery.
Drowning in memories and what ifs.
I found sleep for a couple of nights and now she is elusive again.
If this is to be the norm for the balance of my life, to what end will I
go? To what purpose will I serve?
Will I be but a cripple? A mental has been, living by looking back. Will
I be trying to steer while looking in the rear view mirror?
I can get it in gear but the shifter keeps popping out throwing me into
neutral..
Its like my shifting forks are bent. My alignment is off. My mental
vehicle is all messed up.
I remember what Joe McDuffie said about feelings.
He said "sometimes you don't feel like a Christian but you keep acting
like a Christian until the feelings come back"
Am I stuck in the act? Will the feelings that I trusted for my very
existence come back?
Will my complete and absolute trust in God survive this attack?
I know that He is with me. I can feel Him. I can feel the strength in my
prayers and the peace that they return.
I just felt that my track up this rock face of pain wouldn't drop me
right back where I started from.
Now I claw my way back up again.