June 25, 2008

From: Gary West
Sent: Wednesday, June 25, 2008 7:09 PM
Subject: Dreamer

The essence of each of us is one trait that dominates. One attribute
that we know is at the core of our thoughts.
That one individual package of talents, wills, and motivations that
when blended together create the essence of our personalities.
For my entire life I have been a dreamer. Always in a look ahead
(dream ahead) state of mind. I can't remember the first dream or
imaginative thought I had. They have always been a part of me. They are
like the colors in my very blood.
I dreamed of adventures and love, or building and discovering. I
never found a resting place for my dreams, they were always bigger than
my span. When I would achieve an element of a dream the dream would
expand.
It would stretch out and change colors like the ocean in a rising
sun.
I had developed such elaborate dreams and seemingly God had allowed me
the ability to pursue them and even catch some of them.
I am now for the first time in my life without a dream. It is a
barren place that I am not accustomed to. I have had my ability to dream
burnt up inside of my being. Trashed in my heart and shredded in my mind.
I cannot conjure up the dreams that I had before. They are as
foreign to me as another language.
They were assembled in a time that I can't duplicate. In a section
of my life that is finished.
I had so many dreams that were based on a legacy that is no more.
On help that is no longer on the way. Every thought I had included
preparation for my dreams. Every direction I have taken was in pursuit
of my interpretation of that dream. God was included in my dreams. He
was a key element in all my plans and dreams.
Was he offended. Was my dreams not in order. Was this chapter in my
life designed to end my dreams.
Can I stop dreaming, and pursuing?
Is this the fork in the road where I have to be reinvented?
I am not able to envision myself without dreams, without looking at
the big picture. Now I am scared that my dreams have caused God to
separate me from Him.
I am afraid to try and dream, what if He is angry for this trait.
What if this is my permanent flaw. The flaw that can't be removed. The
planner without a plan, the dreamer without a dream.
And what of all the preparation for the former dreams. It is like
lumber and steel stacked and ready.
What do I do with it. It is like a curse to me. I am afraid of it.
Did my dream preparation separate me from Gods will.
This is a question that God will need to handle. Do I stop, do I
go. Was I wrong, was I right. The structure of the dreams had certain
elements that were woven into them.
The sons that are no more were woven into the dreams like sails on
a ship. Without them the ship is useless.
The loneliness is tough, unbearably so at times. The memories are
all in living color. As well the dreams were.
God, I hope that I have not offended you. That is my prayer.
G