July 5, 2008

I wrote this in walmart lot this a.m.Kinda puts my today in perspective.GFrom: Gary WestSent: Sat Jul 05 07:52:35 2008Subject: Bitter SweetActions lead to memories,Memories lead to tears,Tears lead to thoughts,Thoughts lead to anger,Anger leads to questions,Questions lead to prayer,Prayer goes unanswered,Unanswered prayers shake us,Shaking leads to searching,Searching pulls at our very roots, our foundation and leads to a faith check,A check of our faith leads us right back to memories,Memories of song, scripture, and His word.There we rest until our next action.At times the emotion is so strong the miss is so incredible that I am shot down, my ability to take my next action is stopped. Then I stop and write. I expell the thoughts to words. There I temporarily leave them. I push them from my brain to my fingers. I make them leave. I refuse to let my life be a pile of nothing. I don't know why I have to go through this. I wonder if it is because I have always assumed a position of strength. Perhaps God decided to cut me down for feeling strong in him. I don't feel strong in Him right now. I feel vulnerable. I feel that I have been left between the foxholes. I lay in no mans land in the middle of the spiritual battlefield.I am sniped from both sides. I am shot full of holes. Holes of doubt, doubt in everything that I have ever believed. The very mind of God is strange to me now. I know Satan hates me, that is a given. I have accepted that for a while. Now I seam without. Without a hook on the end of my rope. I try to pull myself out of this pit but the rope keeps slapping me in the face as it comes back on me. I can't find happiness, she is elusive. Smiles are but makeup for a disfigured life. I tire of this road. A road full of memories that are like pot holes of pain. As I hit them, the pain splashes all over me. I have to push past this road. I have to stand in Gods shelter and let him use His blood to shower this pain off of me. The pain, It is like acid, it burns and etches the faces of a thousand smiles into me like tatoos. I am naked to the burn. I have no protection. I wish this was a human foe. I could strike, choke, bite and claw. The pain I feel, I could somehow return. But this is not the case. I am laying out of protection now, being sniped with precision. One cell, one memory, one plan, one dream, one happy thought at a time. I have always controlled all that I could, especially since I submitted to His hand. Now I control nothing. I am unable to express my will at anything except what he directly lays on my heart. I want to be normal, but I know that normal of the future will never look like normal of the past. That is a fact that is yet another pothole of pain in this road of understanding.G